Sometimes you just want to be able to turn to a lower power when things go a little weird during the crunch. Sometimes you want to whip your minions into a frenzy of bloodlust without having to spend money on pharmaceuticals. And sometimes you just want to have a nice looking crypt of horrors to make the other supervillains a little jealous. The thing is, you need to do a little bit of planning ahead in order to do a first-rate job at worshiping an evil god, because falling short can prove to be costly on a personal level when it comes to demons from the pits of Hell.

When I was very young, I remember passing an impressively scary temple complex on my way to no good, with spiky towers, heads on pikes, and gargoyles spouting crimson gouts of blood on special occasions, and I remember thinking that this was the kind of thing one could grow used to, whether or not it led to actual world domination. The organization was as I recall devoted to the cult of the hyena-headed goddess Ynx's'hax, which sadly fell into disrepair only a few years later owing to poor financial discipline. Illustrating, I suppose, how you may do everything right when it comes to the demonic, but make a simple mistake with regard to basic evilcraft that brings everything crashing down.

Grinning Skull (friendfeed)

There are those who would have you believe that everyone is born (or hatched) knowing How to tickle, but it is sadly not the case. Among my arsenal of dastardly techniques, this was one I myself came to only relatively late in my career, only gradually discovering the devastating effectiveness a carefully calibrated technique can possess. My first few attempts were not ones I like to dwell upon, as they would swing between too much force (see How to get rid of a corpse for what to do in this case) and too little or too poorly applied. I would apologize to those early tickling victims of mine, if they were around to be apologized to. In time, however, as with all the maleficent arts, diligent practice (mostly upon sundry lifeforms and small children) brought the necessary skills to a high pitch of proficiency, a thing which I am pleased to report is an item of no small repute among my fellow supervillains.

As the wiki article states, tickling is serious business.

Grinning Skull (friendfeed)

I would be remiss if I did not extend greetings to those of you visiting from the Twisted Jenius site (post of January 19, 2009). I must congratulate you on the fine tradition of evil rants wherein False Prophet presents a number of observations from a personal evil perspective. I trust that you will find something of use among our wiki, forum, and blog offerings here for your entertainment and education. I would encourage you to sign up here and become comfortable with exploring. Send me your suggestions for features and questions.

I would also like to mention the forum post at 2000 AD (so retro!) entitled Does anyone know how I go about conquering the world? We shall endeavor to do our part in bringing the novice up to a high caliber of proficiency in the evil arts.

Grinning Skull (friendfeed)

Too often, in my view, fiends of our ilk avoid getting involved with "legitimate" politics preferring to set themselves in opposition to these symbols of rigid order, at times when setting aside one's antiestablishmentarianism could lead to spectacular growth not achievable through any other means. It seems to me that the average villain misunderstands the motivations of politicians at the highest levels, which differ from our own in only the slightest aspects of degree, of secretiveness, and of style.

Corrupting and infiltrating the governments of the world is a set of goals not too dissimilar to the usual power plays we bad guys carry out. It's just that the canvas is so much larger than the one we usually paint. Of course, one needs some pretty good evildoer skills, and it helps to be a paranoid superhumanly organized cyberdominator just because of the number of balls one needs to keep in the air at one time, but I know that it's totally doable as an aspiration. I used to be pretty good friends with the entity currently occupying this role here on Earth (it's pretty busy now though so we don't hang out as much as we used to when we were just young (and I'm not naming names)), and I wouldn't say that it takes an enormous leap from your average first-tier malefactor, given a sufficient level of punctiliousness which isn't something that everyone has in abundance.

Anyway, go read How to control the governments of the world.

Grinning Skull (friendfeed)

Pretty posies and mad scientists don't go together, unless the flora has a substantial bite to it. There is something undeniably alluring about the snap of powerful tendrils, the crunch of powerful jaws, the gurgle of corrosive digestive fluids in a position of honor in one's lair.

Carnivorous plants have an even bigger cachet in warding off adventurers than carnivorous animals owing to the sheer shock value they bring to an encounter. Imagine an aspiring hero attempting to scale an ivy-covered fortress by stealth, only to find that forty feet up, the vines are attempting to creep over him instead. As a bonus, the bones of those who failed to escape before him bleaching in the sun, makes an unforgettable impression long after the toil and trouble of coaxing the man-eating cultivar to flourish is forgotten.

I remember when I was a youngster, scarcely a third my current size, there was a nest of egg-stealing snakes living nearby (we were neighbors, not related). They would creep up the crest of a lovely craggy basking ridge to raid the nests of some impressive bird-types, not, I think, realizing that these birds were actually part gryphon, versed in the ways of herblore as it turned out. (Or maybe they were griffins. Hard to know.) At first the snakes were unaware of the danger, until one would go missing during a nighttime raid, then another, and finally a joint scouting party was organized. These individuals soon determined that their quarry was indeed quite capable to direct their efforts toward a nasty strangling hedge with half-inch long thorny teeth that ringed the nesting site of the gryphons, and had developed a taste for serpent. Not long after this disastrous news arrived, the entire desert tract was bulldozed in favor of condominiums, but I believe that the egg-loving snakes would still have needed to move anyway because of that flesh-eating defense.

Veeper