Have you ever been at a party where everyone is talking and you pipe up with an insightful comment which everyone seems to ignore? That's what the write up on How to issue an ultimatum is all about: how to get everyone to sit up and take notice of what you have to say. An ultimatum is the indispensable final step to a successful plan for conquest, assuming that there's any of your enemy left standing to receive your terms. It is the treat you promise yourself you will enjoy one day while your foes are raining down parcels of the explosive sort upon you. It is the sneering video clip you will forever be remembered by for generations afterwards, inspiring cadres of fanboys to follow the path you once blazed.

There's a group of villains who are fanatical collectors of historic ultimata. The ultimate for them is an original document marked with the sign of the one issuing the demands, and either signed by the losers (if they agreed to the terms) or not (if they rejected them). One fellow is a specialist in ukases which have been torn up by the one receiving it, and goes to great lengths establishing the time of the ripping-up, the identity of the one doing the ripping (DNA evidence, mainly), and authenticating any boot prints or traces of spittle associated with the event. They are entranced by the iconic nature of the ultimatum as a critical branch point in history. They treasure its physical manifestation which allows them to imagine what it was like when the dark lord came down in his awful majesty upon the last set of cowering, servile survivors of his wrath, and they savor that moment. As do I, though not in such an obsessive manner.

Grinning Skull (friendfeed)

We here at evilHow are exceedingly fond of cursing. Some of our favorite curses are the ones we use on our personal treasure-troves to safeguard them after our demise. From an early age many of us grew up wanting to have a fortune, wanting to both consume them and keep them at the same time. As little tykes we would practice sometimes by cursing things around the house, often to hilarious effect, honing our craft. Others came only late to the party, in advanced ages when personal mortality became more of a tangible issue, sometimes only imposing the first mail-order curse they could lay their hands upon. There is a part of good estate planning for all effective villains. Some might protest "I do not have an Emperor's ransom! I don't even have a grand vizier's ransom." Remember that as a general principle, the very same techniques may be applied to curse anything durable that you value: your fortress, your favorite vehicle, your holographic projector. If you think about what it is to be an evil mastermind in spirit, it means that everything associated with you ought properly to be regarded as worth its weight in gold by the mere fools that abound.

I will never forget the shame and ignominy I felt as a young villain when a punk hero gained possession of a vorpal blade of mine that I was fond of. Oh the way I would torture myself thereafter with "woulda, coulda, shoulda!" It did not make matters any better that my evil companions would remind me of my faux pas every chance they would get, making jokes about how hard it must be for me to lop off heads then. I wish I could say that I had the last laugh by stealing the blade back, but the hero in question deprived me of the satisfaction by expiring in a shaving accident perched on the side of a volcanic crater. Well well well. Could not have done better myself.

Grinning Skull (friendfeed)

So you've scrimped and stolen a fantastic cache of firearms or whatnot and are itching to use them in some evil scheme you have in mind. But as is usually the case, you need to get your goods from Point A to Point B without giving the whole caper away. Learn the main strategies you can use to conceal weapons most effectively and you will soon be able to get the action started without a care.

One time I heard a story about a fellow who was running heavy guns up to his enemy's stronghold. His crew was transporting them through what he thought was a little-used part of hyperspace and things seemed to be going smoothly until they noticed that once they emerged on the other side the firearms would refuse to fire, even though there was no sign of damage or tampering. Embarrassing! They would go to the effort of bringing the stuff back to home base and the weapons would check out just fine. They then had the bright idea of bringing along a scientific crew to check out the problem, and they found that the adversary had taken the precaution of installing a field in that region of hyperspace, surrounding his fortress, which twisted up the atoms of everything which passed through, rendering his explosive charges non-explosive. Back through the portal, everything would go back to normal again leading to the perplexity. The rest of us had a good chuckle about that incident, because we had all been there before, so to speak.

Grinning Skull (friendfeed)

I don't need someone to tell me How to reign over love slaves - I just know, it's something I have always known, like I was wired with that information when I was born. In fact, I don't really know how someone could not know what to do with a gorgeous bunch of submissive guyflesh bound to carry out my every whim, it's like, what, you think I'm stupid or something? Make 'em work! they can start by cleaning up some of my closets, sorting everything by color maybe, or fixing some of the stuff around the lair that I've been complaining about for years now, and some of the ones who aren't like colorblind or stupid could go out and find some drapes for the slave quarters that actually match the carpet. That's just for week one, and just the daytime part, cause I don't think I have to say anything about the part that goes on after dark (it's not on the wiki page either, being so obvious and all that). If some of the love slaves were girls we could do our manicures and shop.

I have known many villains over time, many many villains, and never understood how they can be so focused on things like destroying the Earth and burying their enemies instead of things like ensuring an endless supply of booty (in the sense of booty, not that other stuff). Big explosions and battlefields dripping with blood are all well and good I suppose, but when it comes right down to things, I figure you've gotta go home at the end of the day and I'd be damned if I took any of those kinds of things home with me instead of the previously mentioned boytoys on a chain (guys, I know, might want to switch the genders around here) to help celebrate the victory or to take my mind off the defeat or just because. Am I wrong here? Because if all these villains are missing the boat on this, somebody ought to be telling them, which I guess I am, in that love slave wiki page I just mentioned. So I hope you get something out of it.

Capella

In this time of economic uncertainty the skill of knowing How to earn money part-time when you need to. Whether you are just climbing up the learning curve from petty crime or are already a seasoned supervillain fallen upon tough times, you along with many of your peers and neighbors are likely to be called upon to scrape up some no-strings-attached cash in a hurry. Although you may not have much experience working an honest job, it is actually much easier than you think and the money you receive is in fact just as good as the money you steal yourself.

You do have to be a little careful in what you do. I remember one fellow who was a well-respected mind-flayer and stealer of souls that everyone expected to go far. One day, a bit dissatisfied with the size of his hoard, he decided to take a flyer on a hedge fund operation which ended up taking all of his time as a villain. Towards the end he did manage to combine the two careers and come up with something twisted, but it seems to me that he could have been so much more.

Grinning Skull (friendfeed)